Plankton constitute the bottommost echelon in the food chain of any aquatic ecosystem, and by virtue of this fact they were worshipped by many ancient cultures. Gordon College’s drinking water has long been praised for its planktonic saturation, but itinerant researchers conducting analysis on our water supply are alarmed to report a sudden and drastic reduction in planktonic abundance. Pierre Pelican is a physicist by trade, and a fairly prominent one at that; his lab recently succeeded in denting the space-time continuum. Yet “ardent planktophile” is perhaps his aptest identifier. “My every waking thought concerns plankton. And my dreams are no different.” In his off-hours, he volunteers his time valuating planktonic volumes in local water supplies. “It’s downright devoid of diatoms, and dinoflagellates display a distressing diminution to boot,” appraised Pierre, “In essence, it looks bleak.”
Pierre has identified some simple problems that may be contributing to our planktonic scarcity. Many plankton are algae, meaning they need access to sunlight to photosynthesize; despite this, most of our drinking water is transported in sealed metal pipes embedded in the walls of our buildings. He suggests we switch to open-air aqueducts to promote planktonic growth. He also notes that much of our drinking water passes through “treatment plants” that perform procedures unconducive to planktonic success (such as chlorination), and that doing away with such things will allow us to reap future planktonic rewards.
The decline could also be due a general lack of goodwill towards plankton in the campus ethos. Plankton are highly sensitive to popular sentiment, after all, and their shifting status in the zeitgeist from folk hero (like the plankton in the bards’ tales of olde) to conniving villain (mirroring portrayals in marine-themed animated series) could have incited this unprecedented exodus from campus drinking water. If this is the case, it seems the merit of plankton must be reestablished in the public opinion.
Some students may balk at the idea of ingesting miniature crustaceans and protists and so forth with every gulp from the Lane soda machine, though the truly astute among them will recognize the health benefit. Estimates place the protein content of a liter of Gordon drinking water in its planktonic heyday as roughly equivalent to that contained in two to three pounds of red meat. “That’s not to mention the vitamins,” Pierre added, “Few remember that the ‘C’ in ‘vitamin C’ stands for ‘copepod’.”
In addition to being nutritious and more or less palatable (their flavor has been described as “tangy”), plankton are trustworthy, sincere, and morally pure. They haven’t an evil bone in their wee bodies, in contrast to nonplankton, which often feature many bones, around
ten percent of which are evil. They are reputed to give fantastic advice, which is why many US presidents have kept a secret planktonic cabinet to which they would ask the really difficult questions once the human cabinet filed out of the room. It may surprise you to learn of the righteousness of plankton, but Christ tells us, “blessed be the meek,” and what could be meeker than a creature incapable of moving against the current?
At this point, the average reader has been moved to tears upon hearing of the plight of plankton and has resolved to use all of their personal resources for the furtherance of the planktonic cause. A few supernaturally stoic individuals may remain impassive toward planktonic distress, though they comprise an extreme minority. You can satisfy your urge to avail plankton by addressing a passionately-worded letter to administration accusing them of having betrayed principles to appeal to donors with an antiplankton agenda, composing a social media post to the same effect (using the hashtag #Pray4OurPlankton), and sabotaging water infrastructure that may be hindering planktonic achievement. Dry your tears; with your support, a planktonic renaissance is within reach!
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