Capable and adroit reporters at the Tartan have uncovered that the spate of recent outages was not the result of Michael “Mike” Hammond forgetting to pay the electric bill, as was previously believed. It was instead caused by a technician spilling “an unbelievable amount” of piping hot bisque on a transformer at a nearby electrical substation. This damaged the infrastructure and halted electrical transmission to Gordon College. Many buildings on campus were equipped with generators that mitigated the effects of these recent outages, with the exception of the HUD dorms, whose generators had been damaged in an unrelated bisque incident.
Students were outraged regarding the interruption of electrical services on campus. Many have come forth to complain about the damage that the so-called “bisque outages” have caused. “I was in the middle of proposing to my girlfriend over Microsoft Teams when the connection was cut. Now I don’t know what to do,” one student confided. Other consequences were even more severe. Another student shared that the power went out while she was making bisque in her slow cooker, which was plugged into the wall. “My lobster meat spoiled, and the roux didn’t thicken the stock evenly! My bisque is ruined!”
We spoke with Thomas Edison (no relation), a representative of the electric company, to inquire more about the technical side of these events. “See, bisque is strongly inhibitive to electrical function,” he explained. “Yet creamy soups that emphasize crustacean meat are irresistible to electricians. They can’t get enough of it. So bisque is kind of our nemesis here at the power company,” he articulated between spoonfuls of bisque. “Perhaps it is more of a fremesis, or an arch-frenemy. We haven’t really nailed down the nomenclature. But any way you slice it, bisque is the leading cause of power outages worldwide. In fact, bisque is so prevalent in France that most French cities have ceased to use electricity entirely.”
After much ado, we were able to identify the technician responsible for this woeful incident. He was initially reluctant to speak with us, for fear that we would “put him on blast”, but once we promised to allow him to remain anonymous, he agreed to share his story. The technician admitted that he had been servicing the electrical substation with a 5-gallon Home Depot bucket of steaming bisque perched on his head, with a straw connecting its contents and his mouth. “I often work through my lunch break,” he added. “I received a notification on my cellular telephone, indicating that someone wished to communicate with me via electronic mail, or e-mail, if you will. I turned my head down to see who it was, and bisque cascaded out of the bucket and inundated the sensitive electrical infrastructure. It was a deluge that rivaled the Great Flood of old.”
Our team contacted celebrated historians, none of whom responded. However, a book obtained by breaking into one of their offices reveals that bisque has a checkered history of accidents, mishaps, and disasters. [The book, titled Bisque: A Checkered History of Accidents, Mishaps, and Disasters, can be purchased from Amazon.com for $29.95, plus tax.] In addition to power outages, bisque was directly responsible for 100% of hot air balloon crashes and 12% of all uncomfortably burnt tongues in the 2010s. In 1956, a waiter saying, ‘Who’s ready for some delicious bisque?’ was used as the activation phrase that triggered a sleeper agent to assassinate a prominent political candidate. Despite these figures, 98% of Gordon students admitted to having indulged in a hearty bowl of bisque in the past week. The remaining 2% were found either to have lied in their response or to be allergic to seafood.
There is a silver lining, however. Administrative staff have announced their intention to crack down on bisque-related disasters. Once the HUD generator has been repaired, a glass dome will be placed over it to protect it against environmental hazards, particularly bisque, but also wire-chewing rodents. Additionally, between 90% and 100% of the Gordon budget has been allocated to efforts to make the American lobster extinct, which would alleviate a great deal of the bisque pressure. However, much like wildfires, only YOU can prevent bisque-related power outages. If you enjoy being connected to the electrical grid, The Tartan implores you to pursue vigilante justice! If you see a technician walking towards an electrical substation with a cartoonishly large quantity of bisque, it is your moral duty to stop him! The Tartan authorizes the use of deadly force to prevent bisque from reaching high vantage points from which it could be spilled onto expensive electrical components. Get out there and protect your power supply!
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