An exceedingly reputable source has undertaken great risk to furnish this team of reporters with a classified memorandum from the desk of one Michael D. Hammond. This scrap of paper details renovations to the campus so abrupt, so unforeseen, so grand in scale, so newsworthy that at least one of our members audibly gasped upon hearing thereof. Many of those reading this will no doubt be familiar with the recent demolition of Lewis Hall, but only a privileged few know that this is only the first in an extended sequence of demolitions set to take place at an undefined time in the near future.
Firstly, the Lane Student Center is to be demolished at the earliest convenience to accommodate a new corn maze which is to be erected where it currently stands. Food will still be served, though it will be limited to the corncobs that wandering students will pick while navigating the labyrinthine recesses of the maze. Those who reach the center of the maze will be awarded a ‘Certificate of Dopeness’ by the school, which can be exchanged for any other degree offered by the college, including those of master’s programs. They will also find a well-stocked gift shop peddling delightful autumnal merchandise that will delight the mind and dazzle the senses, including scented candles, tote bags, and shirts featuring fantastically witty puns primarily revolving around pumpkin spice.
The Ken Olsen Science Center, known to the savvier students as ‘K.O.S.C.’, shall be razed to the foundation with great haste and from its ashes shall emerge a grand and glorious pumpkin patch which shall produce pumpkins of preposterous proportion. The leaked memo includes an exhaustive account of a plan to inject pumpkins with performance enhancing drugs and then auction them off at enormous profit to finance other autumnal installations. The patch will also host a ‘Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater’ contest, in which contestants attempt to consume an entire pumpkin, including the rind, in under sixty seconds for a chance to win a novelty trucker hat.
Those of you who are musically gifted may be thinking to yourself, “at least Phillips Music Center remains untouched by the caprices of Mike Hammond and his strangely autumnal new vision for the school.” I’m inclined to advise you not to count your metaphorical chickens before they have metaphorically hatched, as this edifice too shall be destroyed. On its ruins a rustic autumnal petting zoo will be established so that young children can feed featureless brown pellets to llamas and goats, in accordance with “what A.J. Gordon would have wanted”, as the college’s eccentric founder famously despised music but loved interactions with livestock.
Chase Hall will soon be a distant memory, as will all other residence halls. Each and every one shall be bulldozed, and in their places will stand massive, obnoxious billboards advertising the new Lane corn maze and directing visitors theretoward with flashing neon arrows. Ninety-nine-point-nine-nine percent of autumnal wonderland-type attractions fail because of poor marketing, so Mike Hammond is making sure not to skimp on signage.
Finally, rumor has it that fossilized dinosaur remains are entombed in the earth beneath Jenks Library. This is probably not true, but the administration recognizes they would be remiss, themselves representing a college, not to give it “the old college try”, so Jenks will be demolished as well. If there are no dinosaur bones to be found, the site will probably be converted to a dump or some sort of cesspool.
Stay tuned for these controversial and dramatic changes. Insider sources, including one who scrawled ‘Resistance is futile’ in crimson paint on the side of the chapel, suggest that these outcomes are as inexorable as they are autumnal. If you are in the market for a steady part-time position, Gordon will be hiring bulldozer operators, explosives experts, and wrecking-ball technicians around the clock over the next eighteen months. If you currently reside within or otherwise frequent any of the buildings marked for annihilation, be on alert to ensure that you are not inside them when they are demolished.
Demolition timetables are subject to the inscrutable whims of contractors and cannot be predicted with any degree of certainty beforehand. As such, we recommend listening carefully for loud crashing, crumbling, or shattering noises, which may indicate active wrecking. Gordon promises to reimburse students for any property damage with a commensurate amount in prize tickets for an autumnal carnival soon to occupy Frost Hall’s current location. Good luck and have a joyous autumn!
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