December 12, 2024

Seeking for the True Friend with Aristotle

Yein Lee '27

Photo Courtesy of Yein Lee

Friendship, a significant type of relationship, plays an important role in our lives. This is especially true for college students, for whom these connections are so meaningful that they often pray for and reflect on them. Although everyone desires friendship, finding a good friend who will last a lifetime is not easy. Many college students struggle to find someone who truly understands them; some may start a relationship positively, only to discover it turns into a negative experience. Others may feel as though they never truly fit in anywhere, they go. So, what is the actual problem? Is it really that difficult for us to find our own version of a “David and Jonathan” relationship in our lives? Today, we will try to discover what friendship is with Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics.  

In Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle emphasizes the essential role of friendship in our lives, considering it to be a virtue and something that involves virtue. He argues that both the elderly and the young need friendship because “the old need friends to care for them and support the actions that fail because of weakness,”1 whereas the young need friends that can help them from making mistakes. This perspective underscores that friendships are not only emotional support in our lives but also a means of moral development and guidance throughout different stages of our lives.  

According to Aristotle, there are three types of friendship, each based on different purposes: utility, pleasure, and love. Some people form friendships for utility, seeking to “gain some good for themselves from him.”2 Others establish friendships based on temporary pleasure, which often does not last long. The highest form of friendship, however, is based on love. In this ideal friendship, two individuals genuinely “wish good to their friend for the friend’s own sake are friends most of all.”3 They love each other not for their own benefits, but for others. And this type of friendship endures because it is based on virtue. 

The majority of people long for friendship rooted in love, but the actual problem is that this type of friendship is very rare. Many times, especially among the younger generation, friendship based on utility or pleasure is more common. Many young people’s lives “are guided by their feelings, and they pursue above all what is pleasant for themselves and what is at hand.”4 Consequently, we are quick to become friends, and quick to stop as well. In other words, our friendships shift as the world around us changes. And this is a common situation that can be noticed in college life. We often form friendships for a semester or two, when we either share classes or participate in the same clubs temporarily. We engage with them to gain certain benefits from these relationships- whether it’s having someone to share lunch together after class, having someone to do group project together for the same class that we are taking, or to simply have someone to walk over to the chapel, so that we don’t feel awkward sitting alone.  

How can we find a friendship that is based on love? Aristotle stated, “to find out whether someone is really good, one must both have experience of him and be on familiar terms with him, which is extremely difficult.”5 This reminds us to be patient. Not everyone will be the perfect friend for us. We change, others change, and so does our environment. Discovering the right person takes time. 

In the Proverbs 12:26 it says, “the righteous choose their friends carefully.” If you seek a friend who will stand by your unconditionally, be careful with whom you befriend. A lot of times, the people we surround ourselves with reflect our own values and behaviors. Therefore, make sure that your friendships are built on shared purposes and goals.  

Also, it is important not to expect perfection in relationships, as we are born to be self-centered, and there is nothing like a perfect relationship between two individuals. While we need community to love and grow together, without Jesus Christ, all our efforts can feel meaningless. The only perfect relationship you can have been with Christ, and through Him, you will find the friend that God has prepared for you.

  1. Nicomachean Ethics, 119 ↩︎
  2. Nicomachean Ethics, 121 ↩︎
  3. Nicomachean Ethics, 122 ↩︎
  4. Nicomachean Ethics, 122 ↩︎
  5. Nicomachean Ethics, 126 ↩︎

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