The housing lottery is always changing. This year in particular brought some big adjustments, like having the lottery in-person, or requiring students to write an essay to apply for an apartment. However, many students were unhappy with these changes, and still felt they did not get the rooms they wanted or deserved.
“The system should be simple,” junior Grace Nyland argued. “For instance, if my last name is Nyland, I should be able to get into Nyland, no questions asked.”
While Grace’s argument isn’t the most convincing, it has become clear a change is needed. This year, to cut out all the waiting and hoping and luck, Gordon will be switching to a much simpler “King of the Hill” style lottery.
“Instead of submitting an application, students will physically fight for the rooms they want,” Chase Fulton, housing director, explained. “I think this system will work much better. This way, students can self-select the best room for themselves. If they aren’t willing to throw punches for it, they must not want it that bad.” He went on to say, “There are other benefits as well. For instance, this could bring more people into Gordon’s ju-jitsu club. Students can also make lasting friendships as they fight for a room together and make memories they’ll never forget.” When asked if these would likely be good memories, Chase refused to answer.
Some concerns were raised at this idea—for instance, what if a student has a disability, or is injured, and cannot fight? Fortunately, Chase Fulton has a solution for this, too. “If a student is unable to fight for their room, we will hire a professional MMA fighter to represent them. In this way, we can ensure a fair fight.” He paused, then added, “…for the most part.”
But how will this work? The system works by lining students up by Chapel on the day of the lottery. Then, right at high noon (similar to a cowboy duel), they will run to the room of their choice to defend it. By sundown, whichever room you are in will be yours next year. If you are not in a room, or decided not to participate, there will be a more traditional lottery to hand out the remaining rooms. For apartments, it is recommended to secure your allies early on, and battle for an apartment together. To ensure it remains a friendly competition, no weapons of any kind will be allowed. RAs, ACs, and Resident Directors will roam the halls to referee the fights.
A few students expressed that this seems unnecessarily brutal, and to that we say, unfortunately, the wheels are already in motion. If you are planning on getting a nice room next year, we recommend starting your training now to prepare for this historic lottery.
Best of luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
Disclaimer: The content expressed in Satire articles are for comedic purposes only. The content is loosely based on events, and not to be taken as news or facts.
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